The Last Night of Our Lives

It was on a night in the middle of the year, plenty of seasons ago, that a wise-fool, blurted out the words, ‘Tonight is the last night of our lives’. His friends that were walking beside him thought about it. Some laughed, some nodded and some smiled in agreement. Most of them were able to comprehend the meaning of what was said, but none of them including the wise-fool could foresee the gravity of the words that were spoken on that night.

Green leaves of spring wrinkled and faded away to become crusty brown crumples of themselves in autumn. They then fell down and was just dust on the road until it was buried in the layer of white ice of winter. Spring came again and new life weaved its way out of the water that the ice melted to form. Meanwhile, pages of the calendar flew away.

If time could be called a thing, it would be a beautiful thing. It is ever flowing, only in one same direction, always making its way, without getting deterred to only one final outcome. But on its way, time affects everything that touches it, in very small, meaningless and yet beautiful ways and none can escape its touch.

And none that was in the group could escape time and eventually gave in to walk on the path that was laid before them. This path, the path of life, goes in curious fashion. Where it leads and where turns, none understand or predict. But I believe, if given indefinite amount of time, it will make sense. For the same reason, small bits and pieces of this path of life, often start making sense after one has walked on it a bit farther and can look back to see a slightly bigger picture.

Each one of the individuals in the group had started out on their own unique and diverging paths of life few years ago. Few crossed for a short time in between but most stayed apart. Until one day, with a bit of luck, all their paths converged again.

Initially, they were filled with merriment and excitement with the thought of meeting each other in one place and all of them awaited the crossing with much anticipation. The day finally came and it was true to all what they hoped for. But there was something more to it, for they could feel that it was more than just seeing and meeting each other again. They knew that there something bigger at play. They all felt it but none spoke about it. They could not ponder over this peculiarity for some time as there so much to share, so much to hear and so little time.

But there was one in this group who wanted to know about this feeling more than anyone else so he took it to the wise-fool. He barely was able to express what he wanted the fool’s insight on. But the fool was not called wise for no reason. He smiled at him and asked him to go for a walk with him again. This time, just the two of them. He told him, ‘you remember, I said many years ago that tonight is the last night of our lives’? His co-walker said he did. The wise-fool asked him to explain what he understood in his own words. The individual told him, ‘I think you meant that tonight will be the last night where we can live and enjoy to the fullest. We are going to be busier and more committed to our work and so we will never get to enjoy a night such as this again’. Then the wise fool explained it to him finally. He said, ‘What I meant at that time was, that this is the last night of our life as we live it now. This is the last night of us as we are right now. This night will never come in our life again. You can arrange for an exact same scenario with all of you, anytime in future and even then it will not be the same. Because, we will not be the same. Each one of us would have walked farther on our paths of lives and that would have made its beautiful impact on us. That night, few years ago, we left a small piece of ourselves to be in that night forever. We moved on and we kept walking. The path that we walked on, slowly and surely changed us. However, our pieces that we left in that night, have always been the way we left them. And they will continue to live that moment as we were then. This curious feeling that you can’t quite understand is the joy of finding that piece of yourself again. You can not go back in time and live that night again. But you all just found those pieces by being together in the same place. And not just yourself, but truly the person that you are. It is like seeing yourself in the mirror but seeing yourself from that night’. The individual was lost for a while in his thought and then replied, ‘But where do I find my piece? Is it on the road that we were walking on? Where do I see myself?’ The wise-fool answered, ‘In the eyes of your friends. For they see and know who you are. There is no curtain and no deception in their eyes and that is when you look in their eyes, you find the joy and peace of finding yourself again.’

The individual understood now and they both returned to the group and were happy and content in the remaining time they had. Their paths had to diverge again and so they did. They kept on walking in their own paths, making their stories and leaving their impressions on the path itself but they left a piece of themselves in that night that will always be walking together in that night and will continue to live on…

P.S. This will be my last post on this blog. I just realized why I couldn’t make myself to write another post for 2 years. Because since I left this place, I have never been the way I was here. And only the person I am here could write. This is the last chapter of ‘A tale called JUET’. And even though the name will be attached to me forever, I won’t likely be coming back. As I write this, I recall when in 2009 I wrote the first post here, and as far as this small blog goes, it is more than what I expected. Which brings me to all of you reading this. I thank you for being a part of this tale. Needless to say, without even a single one of you, this tale would never have been as beautiful.

And this one is for you.

Countless times I have given a thought to visit these pages again and share things I would never say out aloud. But for past few months, I don't know why, something was keeping me from really stepping out, squeezing time from my busy days of playing games on computer, reading books, watching silly videos, listening 80's songs, sitting in office ( and doing nothing but all these things anyways ) (last part was a joke though, I am serious about my work) ( and don't ask me why I am writing this blog in my office )...where was I? Oh yes, keeping me from logging in to this blog and do one of the really very few things that makes me happy...to write to you guys.

Always, there was this thought, 'what for?' I mean, it would surely give me a moment of happiness but then I could just say things I am saying here to myself, inside my own head. That is what introverts are like, right? They don't talk less...they just talk to themselves more than anybody else.

And to be honest, there were two reasons that made me step everything aside and come here. First was a little on the side of selfishness. This blog gives me a way to look back at myself, from time to time, and reflect in what incoherent ways the ever flowing sands of time has affected me. To read your own thoughts, dating up to 4 years old ( not that much old though ) gives you an insight about yourself and things that have changed about you, better than anyone else in the world can. Second was, this small group of web surfers who aimlessly wander the internet and somehow, somewhere between watching music videos and reading academic posts they found themselves reading through something which made them click on 'follow' and enter their names. It was and always have been you, my readers who find the end result of the strangest and the weirdest electro-chemical reactions of neurons within my head, mildly amusing.

I will take this a little forward to tell you none of us have found the fountain of youth. Which basically means, someday you are going to say these words, ' I am too old for this shit'. And my sole purpose of coming back here remains to tell you that it is not a sudden transformation. It is just a sudden realization.

Every time you put that CD of a game back into the display racks in a store, calculating...deciding on something, you get older. Every time you choose hard bound, thick, large volumes of books over colorful comic book of your favorite superhero, you get older. Every night that you come back home, tired to your limits and the only reason you find to get rest is because you have to go out again tomorrow morning, you get older. Every time when you are confused between two dresses in a try room and you settle for the one with less sparkle in it, or for the one with lesser digits on a tag, you get older. Everyday when you think about the ones you love, you care for, before thinking about yourself, you get older.

And the beauty of growing old is...there is no beauty in it. No seriously, I prefer growing older. You get wiser, which means you can just straight away rule out the ideas and suggestions of people younger (in many cases brighter) than you. You get the best argument in your favor. "Hey! I am older than you, I have seen shit that you have not". You get "responsibilities"...whatever that word means anyway. Let me tell you, this word alone is the reason behind more deaths due to heart attacks around the world than anything else. So why do I prefer being my older self? Because, watching the world or not, I will make mistakes and living with the mistakes I did will give me the best lesson to never do them again. And in time, give me the small step to ascend higher, closer to the best self I can be.

You might rise so high in your life that you no longer see the people on the ground (Absolutely no pun intended). Your vision might expand to watch hundreds, thousands, even millions of people together that you might oversee the significance of One. And that just might be your undoing. There is nothing wrong with rising higher than everybody else. It will be the fruit of your hard work and dedications which will take you there. But it is equally important, to remember that one small kid in the classroom, being punished for fighting with the other kids. And what was he fighting for? To defend his best friend from the 5 other kids without thinking the odds of his victory. To remember the child whose utmost happiness lies in as simple a thing as an ice cream. The kid who shares better part of his lunch box with the other kids, without thinking what is he getting in return. The kid who uses the conversation starter, 'can i use your eraser?'

It is important that you hold on to your roots because however higher you may go, if you fall, you will know where you will fall upon. Remember the streets on which you played, the names of your dolls and pets. There in lies more than 10 years of your life, and things, significant things which you have forgotten about yourself. Simple, yet unique, incredulous things which will help you figuring out the most complicated situations of your life.

I know, it is almost impossible to hold on to so many memories and we all are likely to forget. Therefore, it is important that you find something that will keep your memories saved for you. Picture albums only showcases the changes in your appearance. What is more useful are pictures of your mind, to capture the way you think, the way you decide, what makes you happy, what do you love. Find out which way is suitable for you. Jot it down on a paper or draw a picture, write a letter to yourself, make a video, post it on the web. Whichever way you decide, trust me, someday when you will be needing advice from the person you trust more than yourself, you will find him hidden in these letters, blogs, you will find yourself, someone who you can trust, with all the answers, who might even bring a smile to your face.

I've met Bangalore

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” – D.H. Lawrence.

Every time we travel to new cities, there are not just new sights to see or new people to meet. There is a whole lot of exploration to be done beside them. And for that, you don't even have to go outside of yourself. 

A new place, a new atmosphere brings to you a whole new lot of things that you can know about yourself. 

But regrettably, normally we go hide in our thick shells of our personalities when we feel that we are in unfamiliar waters. Always scared of the unfamiliar, we protect ourselves and our mind from everything new out of fear that something undesirable might happen to us and so we close all the doors to new 'us'. The defense mechanism built in us makes us shut ourselves. We remember our old place, we miss our friends and family and wish to go back to them. 

But as time goes by, and if we happen to stay for a longer time, something beautiful happens. We slowly release the hold on ourselves, we start to feel easy as the wind is no longer new. We open our eyes and peek from our shell and see the light...and see the life.

Accustomed to living in Gurgaon, I had given up on metro cities. I had formed the thinking that all those thousands like me, who come rushing in metro and shuttles, work all day long and then rush back in metro and shuttles, have died a long time ago. I always used to feel I am in a crowd of clean shaven zombies, dressed in formals, shining shoes and wearing fragrances with ear phones plugged in, eyes lost somewhere, don't know where, somewhere between thousand of lines of codes or targets to meet, duties to perform or clients to attend. No one used to speak, they only listened to same song over and over again, or typed texts after texts after texts containing nothing more than 'hmm'. If some lone soul spoke out, broke the silence, everyone else turned their weary, withdrawn and tired eyes to him and told him to be silent without anyone saying anything. Slowly and gradually, I was too being zombified.

And then I listened to a voice over a speaker, 'We are pleased to announce an ahead-of-scheduled time arrival at Bangalore. Temperature outside is 24 degrees, you can now turn your phone...' And I told myself, this is going to be just another month. But, as it always turns out, life surprised me. Soon enough, I was looking outside the car and saw several huge boards painted with squiggly and pretty faces smiling, posing or showing some kitchen-ware. I couldn't decipher one bit...not what they were trying to say, not what they were trying to show. I just got to know one thing, that I am not where I was and I cannot expect the same from this place.

Next morning, I went to work and met few of the brightest people I have known. Bright just not in intellect but bright with a shine on their faces, with so much energy and so much happiness in their laughter that I found my face stretched wide and smiling. I found life again. 

In the evening, I went out and saw people spending time not only inside the malls, running after expensive brands but sitting outside and interacting and talking, trying not to get something out of it. They were not agents trying to convince customers over an expensive coffee drink. They were not chasing cars, but daring to walk on the streets. At night, I saw more people waiting in the queue outside a 'dhaba' than an expensive restaurant. Not that they could not afford it, but they cherished good food more than a showy dining table, preferred loud chatter of conversations over silence, preferred local radio songs over slow instruments in the background, laughing and spilling food over overly mannered eating. And that told me, they have not died during the hours between 9 am to 5 pm. They were not discussing the manner of their decaying for today but they were talking about how they lived. 

But what was it that made people here different? They were same just like anyone from any part of the country. They even worked in the different branches of the same organizations. Same facilities, same food joints...what then? What potion were they secretly mixing in their water? Secret lied not in the people. The only thing that was common in all of them and that no one from anywhere in the country shared was...Bangalore. I felt the place had essence of its own that made everything and everyone the way it was. The place had an existence of its own. Unlike towns of NCR who were just a dead dot on the map, this place was alive and full in youth. And upon that thought, I saw it and I met it...I met Bangalore. 

Bangalore is where people are not afraid to hold hands and show their love outside their houses, where if you feel running out of your personal time, you are given lots of it to think during the long traffic jams, where the local people, try to learn a language that is not their own but for their guests from outside the city. Where they don't blink at your faces and look at each other when you speak something foreign to them, but they try their best, though in broken language, but they reach out to you. Where there is more to people than shining clothes and fancy cars. Where, believe it or not, an auto driver in old worn out brown uniform, agrees for the fare of 70 rupees and when presented without argument, returns 10 rupees with a smile...more importantly, with a thought. Where, people at the age of 60 with family do not feel uncomfortable in assembling and laughing their wits out on Cyrus's double-meaning jokes, where they know the dirt is not in the talk but in the minds. 

And for myself, I found a lot about walking on the road sides and getting drenched in the sudden unexpected rains, reading a message hidden behind an unknown language, reading the sign boards and trying to memorize the long names but remembering only the ending '-alli', being at a place on the top of a hill where cold, strong wind pierced my body and the cloud ran through me.

Bangalore is where I came with bags filled with stuff and ended up possessing much more important things that can not be packed back into. With whom I might have parted now, but will remember, not as a place I visited, but as a soul I met.

Happy independence

How free are you?  You do not have bars on your gates. You can walk, eat, breathe, talk...pretty free you might think.

Before doing even the little things there are so many thoughts that cross our minds. Can we for instance, for an urgent matter leave a class of a subject we don't have much marks in, without saying anything? We usually think, 'How will the lecturer take it', 'What will my friend think happened'. And not just about this one moment during class. Ask yourself, how easily you do even tiniest things during your day. Can you wear the same dress on two different parties on consecutive days? Can you wear the same shirt to office for days if it is clean? Can you wear your old shoes with holes in it outside, if they are still comfortable? Don't you think about your make-up, those extra chemicals for your hair, how does our car look in front of that Audi? How necessary it is for you to have a fancy phone, just to not feel conscious when you take it out of your pocket? We think about a million things before making a decision. We are too much worried about our "image". We are tied up to unseen strings that I will come to later. You think you are not?

Then imagine me with yourself like this. I just snatched your mobile phone and deleted all your text folders, your images, family videos, notes, apps, games (not songs or contacts, 'cause that would be stupid).
Then I took your hard drive and deleted its contents and backup. Your season collections, movies, even more photos and documents. How long will you stand by let me do it? Will I make you worry then?

No?
Okay. Forgive me for intrusion but I just broke in your home or hostel room or office and I have started tearing the place apart. Your expensive clock, your wall paint, the rare vase, that modern art painting, that family photo with you smiling, ( not your office or study material, 'cause I don't want you get fired), the really comfortable sofa. I am destroying everything before your eyes. All the china you were gifted on your wedding, all the sculptures for decorations, the glass dining table, television. You most probably will call the police by now. Charge me with sabotaging your possessions without reason. "Possessions". Why? Because you have spent money on it. "Money", the digits you have scored with your hard work and blood, which makes your "status" in the neighborhood.

Think about it the other way, even though you would have felt terrible if you had lost your phone or broken your laptop or all of what I broke above in some mishap but you would have still lived through it. Point is are you free enough? Are these just a tool to make your tasks easier or have they become something more?

Sub consciously we have put so much weight on ourselves that it is no longer possible to leave the ground. The sooner you learn to minimize it, the sooner you can take off.

“If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders - What would you tell him?"
I…don't know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?"
To shrug.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

It is essential to understand the difference I am trying to make between two different approaches. I am not the kind of person who would tell you not to love or to make new relations. Instead I insist you to cherish them, live them, nurture them and devote yourself completely. Let it be for the person and for you but not for any other soul in the universe. But understand, love is meant to be freedom and not a shackle. If you love only to seek something it is not love but a trade and only in trade, arguments and fights arises. Love is simple with no hidden conditions and is understanding. You don't feel the need to explain in love, no need for excuse, no need to make your point right...it is much above all that.

There are so many rules we have made for ourselves living in our society, watching others, many of them just don't have any reason behind them. We spend our lives trying to blend in with all of the people, because we do not want to be looked upon as different, we are afraid of that. We end up blaming the society if things don't turn out how we want, not knowing, it was us who chose to follow it in the first place.

If only we could just give all the complications up. It will be so exhilarating...just like when it feels after you excrete in the morning something you ate which you should not have. So much lighter. And then only you could live without caring needlessly. Imagine yourself free of everything, going some distant secluded place you always wanted to go without thinking about how will you get there, just enjoying the way, sunlight on your face, wind in your hair without a bit of worry. Why can't we make every trip  like that? Why can't we have this everyday?

'Work hard and score first position in class', they teach us.
Why?
'So that you will be seen as intelligent'.
What's wrong with second exactly?
'It is for a brighter future'.
('Actually, we just want you to be ahead of Mr and Mrs X's son')

'Work hard and get in a good college, your preference to the course comes next'.
What's wrong with the college I like?
'Its for a brighter future'.
('So that we can tell everyone you are in that college'.)

'Work hard for your placement'.
What's wrong with what I want to do?
'Its for a brighter future'.
('So that we can tell everyone you work in that big organization')

'Work hard in your office'.
Why?
'So that you can get better pay check'.
What's wrong with my pay check?
'Its for a brighter future'.
('So that we can say you earn that much').

'Marry this person'.
Why?
'He comes from a family with "status" '.
Whats wrong with the person I love?
'Its for a brighter future'.
('Actually, more than your future, we want the "respect").

We spend most part of our life waiting to be "successful", working hard towards that "bright future". We even forget to ask anyone...what the hell is exactly successful?
We always compete with the person we are with, hope to become the person above us, look down upon the person below us. When was the last time we looked at ourselves with out comparing it with others? Know what we are alone? About our qualities and mistakes. When did we worked on something without thinking of its reward, return or its value in the future?

Great people always tell us to learn from nature. Apart from the beauty of it I enjoy, there is something it really teaches us. I saw a tree and had this bizarre thought. Those simple, kind, selfless, living beings  spend all their years doing something so that others can breathe. They don't even get to move, their existence is to make other survive and what happens to them? They get cut down, they get converted into decoration, they get burned, they get eaten. Then I saw a flock of goat, they were all walking behind each other, trying to be the same. They end up as a delicious dish. Then I saw a dog and you know what makes dogs great? Not the domestic, faithful ones but the wild ones. They do not give a shit about anything. They pee where-ever they want, eat whatever they want, without thinking, roam around feeling like a boss. When ever I see one of them, tongue hanging, tailed curled up swinging, grin on its face,  I know it is having the time of its life. And those kind of people who scares them away by throwing stones at them, beat them and then feel smug because they feel powerful over it. I pity those people, because they don't realize there are so many people above them which treat them exactly the same way without even them knowing. Nature sure has to teach us a lot.

You might have heard of people saying...we have strong "bonds". We have "tied the knot".

We only get one true bond in our life and that is the bond a child is born with his mother. And as soon as he enters this world. Some doctor cuts it off with scissors. Its a unique way of him saying to that child, 'You are on your own, kid'. He cuts it, but the connection remains. It is a simple thread, unseen but strong. In the mind of the child, that connection is of love. It is the only thing that child understands. He meets his family, his father, his brother, he comes to love them too. Number of threads grows. They are very important as because of these connections, the child knows that he is cared for, he feels safe, he learns from the people, hope to become something like them someday. Soon enough, these threads lift the child to his feet and teaches him how to walk, how to eat, move, talk. He goes to school, meet friends, make new relations and the number of thread grows. Neighbors, uncles, aunts, teachers...threads keeps breaking and new one keep on building. Every thread teaches him something new about the world. Some threads he cares about a lot,hold fast to them and let those ones guide him where to go and how to do something. Others he wants to break apart from. Few he does not even know exists.
His life goes on normally...
There are ups and downs, successes and failures, countless emotions, indefinite memories, good and bad. At some stage in his life, a friend calls him to tell that they have made a sudden plan to visit some place and wants him to come along. The child, grown up now, can find at least a dozen reasons why he can not go though he wanted to badly, but there were just so many things he could not over look. Later that night, he realizes he could not even go for a trip as per his own free will, not even on a weekend.
You can not blame his work for that. Or even his family, his many friends, or matters that he is responsible for. Only single person accountable for the decision he made was himself.
And the reason he could not go... were the threads he had forgotten about. The threads, as he realized were so strong now...they were iron chains. They were holding him fast and were about his head, his neck, his shoulders, waist, legs and even his feet. And they were pulling him in different directions. He was holding out, enduring the pain...but it costed him. He was not so free as he thought. He realized he cannot actually walk where ever he want. Life is now a fight for him between those forces that keep pulling him in their own directions. After decades, he might get himself free from these shackles and people of the "society" might clap his back for doing good, congratulate for holding this long. What no one will see what it took.

A corporate life, something for which we have been preparing since our childhood, been learning about it, so that we can excel there and can make something good out of it. Thousands of us get into it every year happily with a dream and purpose...without knowing exactly what. Every year thousands of us retire out of it. Just like a huge machine working at a level beyond anyone's imagining, taking in young people and crunching them, crushing them, giving them hopes of "bright future" luring them to work harder and put everything into it...just because someday they will have what they want, they will have their time...without knowing exactly when. Their time sure comes, if late. But the catch is, when it does the young that entered with a pure and honest soul and purpose can hardly be seen. In his place, there is an old man with bad kidneys and failing lungs with all his dreams and hopes but a shattered dream. He even forgets why he joined. What ever he was hoping for all his life, does not even exist by the time he gets out of it. Its like that machine grinding, churning out and squeezing him until the last drop and when there is no more juice left, throw it out through the waste exit saying, 'Now you have our permission to die'. They even throw a party for him. 'Thank you for wasting your life for us.'

I leave it to your better judgement. What seems better to you? A selfless, always sacrificing tree? A flock of sheep, following the one ahead of it to death? A bull, pulling the heavy loads, doing all the hard work for its master, sweating and still getting whipped repeatedly just for the heap of tasteless grass at the end of day? A bird in a cage seeing the clouds, longing to sail through them waiting for the day it will be released? Do we wait for the weekend the same way? Are we just another one of millions attending the class, going everyday to work and gulping down the difficulties? Or are we here to make a difference...not something grand and huge to make history. No, the little things like living for ourselves for a change, doing what please us. Not deliberately falling for the society but to make our own. Finding value in something other than expensive products, finding value in love, relation and making them your source of energy not your limitation.
I leave it to you, who is ready to give up the rest of happiness of your life just for the sake of your relatives, to you who says, "I can never let it go", to you who feels lonely being placed somewhere distant country, to you, running to build up the status.
It is about time I tell you this.
Image is an illusion, status a myth, respect cannot be bought with money and love not with gifts.
It is about time we teach ourselves something that will not give us a good grade or a promotion but something that we desperately need.
Let us wish ourselves a happy independence day and celebrate.

Will I ever come back?

Here I am packing my bags already, throwing my luggage angrily into a heap, trying hard to hold all of my frayed clothes and my life from falling apart. Failing miserably.

Irritated out of my wits, I try to find the cause of this anger inside me. I had often given a thought to how I would react when it is time for farewell. But I never thought that it would be anger.

But why, out of all reactions in the whole wide world I chose anger...I wish I knew.

So, instead of thinking about the days spent, I give some time to the days lying ahead and the first thought that craved for attention, screaming loudly and pounding my insides was the a tiny question so grave that I had to stop packing, sit and look out of the window. It asked me, "Will you ever come back?"

The question was not simple. It was not just about visiting JUET again, it was much more. I understood that I was being asked that will I be the same person that I was in this place? Whether I will ever get so much affection and kindness in the days that are yet to unfold? Then I thought about all the people that were the reason I was so attached to this out of world place and I knew my answer was 'No'.

I had to calm myself somehow. Like a parent who knows for sure that his kid has to spent the next winter night on the footpath with a blanket to share with his family, knowing that he might not even live to see the morning, consoles his kid, giving him false hope that it is going to be alright. But his harsh adulthood has taught him this much, world is as heartless as the cars rushing past by with their windows closed to keep warm air inside for a man that has never worked to deserve a fraction of it. But nonetheless, the man tells his kid that the world is full of good people and the tomorrow will be better. He lies because he loves his little cold kid in dirty torn clothes too much to tell him that the next night will be colder. And the night after that, and the night after that.

Just like this parent, I try to calm myself...failing miserably.

Coming back is not just a matter of willingness. Sometimes as much as we want, we can never take back a step. But one thing I know now is that if it wont be for the tasteless food of the mess, it will be for the people I ate it happily, that I will come back. If it wont be for the over sweetened tea that I actually looked forward to everyday, it will be for the talk we had between the sips, that i will come back. If it wont be for the boring artificial intelligence class, it will be for the moments of laughter in the class, that I will come back. If it wont be for being kicked out the physics class without attendance, it will be for the careless roaming after in the academic block, that I will come back.. If it wont be for the broken and incomplete gym of hostel, it will be for the hours and effort made together, that I will come back. If it wont be for the tiring journeys from NZM to RTA through GWL, it will be for the people that I will give anything to have that journey once again with them. If it wont be the matter of coming back physically, in my every dream and every thought in my soul, I will come back.

There are just so many things to remember, just so many moments worth remembering, crashing onto me at the same time that I am afraid I might loose some of them. As much as I try, I know that this petty little human mind will fail me and all the words and thoughts I can muster, they will never be good enough to deserve the memories they are written for. 

That, I realize was the reason for my anger.

On Jobs and Placements.

Tell me about yourself?

How about we hold this for now and go through your short flashback.

It seems to be a short while ago that we started our 4 years journey together in this place. Strangers that we were all, sooner or later found our companions and learned to live in a tough place like this. Counting on each other and dealing with the difficult phases together, is something that we all have added to our 'How to Live' journals. 

And almost at the end of this journey we faced a new foe. Called as placement, it came like a storm and changed everything for ever. This event stood before us as the most stressful one of our journey has to offer. We witnessed with regret, those around us becoming its prey. And by that, I mean to fall in mind trap that it creates. A situation where your companion, whom you have learned to trust and love, is your rival. Before it really strikes, it causes a time zone filled with silence,dread and suspense. Bewildering as it is, students give their mightiest efforts to stay at the top. To get through this becomes a must. For some it is a matter of self dignity, for some to make their elders proud, for some to prove themselves in the eyes of others, for some to earn experience and for the remaining few, just to see if they can make it.

Whatever may be our reasons, our motives, we all look forward to success. Who likes to get rejected, anyways? And success do comes to the fateful few, but at a cost. 

Whatever may be the outcome, all of us experienced this new, strange feeling. For the selected ones, it was achievement blended with sorrow for their friends. And for the rest, it was feeling proud for their friends and at the same time disappointment in themselves. It is not easy to be our normal self in this situation. One can not rejoice for himself because his friend did not made it and his friend can not weep openly for he wants to celebrate his friend's success. We all dealt with this, in our own unique ways. But the moment was strong enough to mark itself in the timeline.

On the positive side, we learned a lot about ourselves and others. When we were presented with a question like -'What are your weakness?'. For a brief moment we really thought and took a look at us from the outside to find the answer. But the answer that echoed in our minds and the one which was said out loud, was often kept different and maybe for the best. We also found out about our capability to lie with ease. It is easy for some to fake their whole identity without even flinching once and keeping a straight, smiling face throughout. Some, like me, found it gruesomely difficult. It also gave us the opportunity to explore ourselves by facing different questions. Whether we shared the answers to others was a matter to be decided by us alone and again, maybe for the best.

Of course, we get to live this only once. The moments are impossible to forget and some are even worth being carried to our graves. Campus recruitment at JUET might end but the filtering is never over. It comes again in different ways. But what didn't kill us before, only have made us stronger so when the next time we face it, we will be worthier.

We might get old and get busy with different events. But the book of life will never leave us depraved of moments of success, struggle and (I hope and pray that we do not) failure. We will never know whats in it next, until we turn the page and just like this blog, there will always be something to wait for.

Recollecting from the flashback, we look at the face of interviewer who is patiently waiting for his earlier question. He asks again, 'Tell me about yourself'.
We find ourselves smiling.

Easy Buddy, easy.

"One more week in college. Its almost over. You've made it so far. Its only a week!"

The state of mind at the end of a hot,even semester. State of a tired, troubled mind, wanting to go home and be away from the trifle of all. Bereft of taste of favorite dinner, fed up of daily chores and the classes. Aware of the need to attend that class and still fighting the urge to skip it. Logic yells,begs to see how pathetic, meaningless and lousy is to go to that classroom where you will eventually sleep. The dirty, unkempt room appeals more than that lecture theater.It has got every reason to be.

Minutes left, its almost time for the class! Decide now. Oh the dilemma! 

Curse yourself and steeling yourself against the hot wind outside, splash water on the face. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, that bloodshot , sleep-deprived eyes. Pick up the only notebook made for the semester, look for a working pen. Then realizing you're not going to make notes anyways. So leave the cozy room and take difficult steps towards the Academic-Block.

"Its only a week" was repeated loudly in your head.

Five minutes past starting of lecture.

Stare at those toppers. All in with full concentration, penning down every word that blasted teacher has to spit.Wonder whether its the same intensity with which you play the computer-game? The teacher ask his unexpected-sudden-question which only a listener can answer. Then he snigger and points to you. 'Darn it,Why ME?!'

Look down, its more secure there. Then a whisper, which sounds familiar. You heard it in this class. Its the answer! Without wasting a second more, reply out loud and startle the teacher. Sit smugly. Easy. Look at the clock. Only 15minutes past start . "Is that clock even working?"! Confirm with your wrist watch, or cellphone. "I knew it!" That clock is running 2minutes late. Miser administration. So, correction, 17minutes done, 38 left. That's better. 

Thirty minutes past starting of lecture.

Even some of the toppers has lost it by this time. Eye-lids are too heavy for you to lift now. Let them meet...for only a minute, surely few minutes won't do any harm. You are sitting in a good spot. He can't see you here, no chance.

Wake up with a jolt. Meet the teacher eyes. No attendance for you today. Superb.

Look at the clock. 45minutes past starting time.Should have stayed at room.

If not yours, atleast the writer's normal day is presented to you.

If you're with me from the start, the kind of posts I publish addresses every student of our college in general. This one can be different. This one is more of a explanation I was due. I believe that by reading this, one can get a brief glimpse of insides of my head, as it were back then and can therefore, try to understand the actions which were felt necessary and taken.

If not for the reasons of class and everything, we all have been here sometime. Be it personal ,professional or friend-circle issues. It goes to such extremes that it can hardly be survived. We all look for escapes in these times. In the intended case of end of semester, we look forward to home. And it puts us to the edge. Even the most little things can be annoying. "Another Twilight movie??!"

And these are the moments that you take decisions and say things that you'd normally hate to. Its easy to succumb to the domain of devil. Yeah, its always compelling, the frustration. We wish to scream, yell, blame,complain or anything that could help the steam ease out of our head. But the thing to realize is that its not the problem which has led us to this state, its the duration of it which we endured. Even the most easiest of the problems becomes impossible to solve if it is given too much though than necessary.

"Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? Insanity is...doing the exact same fu****' thing over and over and over again and expecting shi* to change."

—Vaas, Far Cry 3

But anyways, i learned recently that running away or escaping is not the solution. It can provide you the exit, but the problem will still exist inside you. Closing your eyes doesn't make the world disappear. It's there. So is the problem and so are all your friends, family and beloved. Don't run away from them. Express, share, feel , talk and...smile :) .Open your eyes to the beauty of what you have earned in these years. Make the best of out it and make a promise to yourself. That you wont give up.

Like every time I'll leave a hidden message for you, only this time I've mentioned it. For such state, one does need lots of time to himself and anyone that denies us this much should be punished. Its very likely that we will emerge from this phase all by ourselves and move on. Have we not survived the great floods? Have we not lived through the great depression? The Recession? All sorts of wars, riots, diseases? How puny now our behavior situation feels now. Isn't?

Apologies for making such a long article for such a simple thought. Sometimes its the most easiest of things that needs the longest of explanation.There so much more to say. But its not that world is ending        

this year. Right?

Once upon a day...

That was the best day of your life.
A beautiful day.
The day which you will remember for long.
It was a moment which passed ever so swiftly and made the everlasting impression to make a difference.
Difference in you, your thinking, your everything.
That thought which dawned upon you like a canopy turning dark to gray to crimson to golden...to the bright color of enlightenment.
That thought which you knew was present, alive in a far, distant corner of your brain...patiently waiting for you to notice it, waiting for the time you will grasp its true essence, waiting for this moment.
That thought which was incomprehensible first, then became believable and then realistic then an aspiration  then your passion then your belief then your reality and then your reason to exist.
It came like a conqueror charging with his army, leading ten thousand of his men to assault an empire with nothing but two things in his mind : victory and the will to make it happen.
It came and it overcame and it became the ruler of his new won kingdom.
Sat atop the throne of your brain, this new thought changed your system from within.
 The cataclysmic wave that it brought shook you to the core and that was when you knew that nothing ever will be the same again.
It was the realization of having a purpose, a task to perform , a thing to achieve, an era to witness , to cross a milestone and to put a new one where no one have ever been before.
With that, came a discomforting doubt...are you up to it? do you have what it takes?
But the importance of it was too much to shrug it away. Then and there you made a decision, a solemn promise to yourself that you will wait for the time and until then, you will prepare.
Prepare for the task you were born to perform. And then you will succeed.
The way looked hard and rough, but you knew it is the only one that can take you across.
The people you care for, you will do this for them, you decided. You, amongst thousand. In some hostel room in the out-of-town campus of Juet, listening to your friend telling about his day, hearing nothing.
Or maybe sitting in some lecture theater looking at the screen and seeing something that is far, far away.
 The last piece of the puzzle joined others to make a picture that was way different than the one you  assumed looking at the pieces...and it was beautiful to look at.
It was the best day of your life.A beautiful day.A day which you will remember for long.

Have You really been soaked in this Rain?

Theres this one thing that takes all of us, including staff, workers ,everyone living in this 100 acres campus, under it.No one is out of its reach. It treat all of us the alike, never biased, ever tall in front of anyone.
Its so simple looking , you might mistake it to be fragile for a moment but it doesn't take very long for it to show that it is well above you will ever possible go in your mortal life.
They call it the rain.
There you go , already losing grip as i said the word, cause its just a weather condition to look at first time.
Is it really?
As once someone said once, "Don't think as you hide from me in your stone built home while you destroy the trees, the home of my children ,killing them, without giving a second thought to the infants who drown in me, mothers who die in attempt to save them,
destroying communities, lives. Don't think that you've overpowered me this way. You're not going anywhere just yet."
Apart from the fact that the speaker for the above piece is the Rain itself and the writer was me, this somehow hints at the ignorance we as humans pays to the rain.

We don't normally realize how short it takes for the rain to make us feel, really miserably insignificant in front of it.
Don't know what i'm saying ?
Try to think about it when the rain only breaths at you, only gives you a glimpse of its true strength and you start running for shelter, to hide from it. Try to think of its magnificence then. It makes you keep your head bowed low, makes a bright day go as dark as night.

Of all the things I believe, one is " You can either hide from true power, or you can accept your powerlessness over it, the second might just make it easier for you "

So, Have you really feel that way in this year's rain at Juet?

If not, get out of your stone built hostel rooms, go outside and breathe it. Let it pour on you. Feel it on you, let it go deep down in your body,in your heart. Make it a part of yourself. Ive done it time and time again and every time i've felt a power beyond any humanly possible limit.
Ive Been Soaked. Have you ? :)

Ever felt insignificant in the vast, unseen, cruel, cold universe?
Ever found your steps, your daily efforts, chores, even your existence so ineffective that you desire to ceased to be?
Time and time again life reminds us of our helplessness.Every now and then it would come around and mock us saying, "Do what you can to stop me doing what i am" and all we manage is to reach out with our hands in empty air and try to somehow freeze flowing time itself, trying somehow to reverse it so that we can un-walk a tiniest step, take back a single word, prevent a wrong turn,savor a precious moment, but the effort is as fruitless as the thought itself.

A good year is past since you visited this page, and i do hope as i write that you are doing your best in your life ,however uncertain it promises to be.

Starting on a depressing note is not at all a kind method of writing but denying and choosing to remain naive to the very fact of life does not bode well either. To really see the good in life is first to believe it. To the see the importance in any work you do is first to believe in your work. However small it might seem to you, its of utmost importance that you do it because if you don't, nobody else will ( thought borrowed from a movie ). Well at least Ghadhiji said so.

Often we find ourselves facing a situation which requires a mere effort from our side and avoiding it or remaining indifferent to it usually becomes compelling. And whether you take that tiniest, insignificant step or not, might make all the difference for the rest of your life.

Avoiding an old friend or to approach him, looking away hurriedly from sunrise or closing your eyes and letting the young sun rays caress your face, stepping away from somebody crying or to wipe the tears from their eyes, skipping or to confront an injustice, pass by or to drop a coin for charity, voicing your objection to it or just choosing to live with it, saying a word more to apologize, saying thanks again, turning back to look at the beloved faces as you part from them, laughing at a "not so laughable joke", waiting five more minutes at a cafe alone, sharing the last slice of a pizza or to just simply smile at someone. We almost decide without thinking twice at such situations. These smallest decisions of your life might reflect at it forever.

As i always believe that if a flap of butterfly wing can cause a storm at the other side of world( the butterfly effect ), it can just as well, prevent it.

So as you pack for the new semester, as you await for the new batch, give it a thought more before you take split-seconds steps for yourself. You might not be after all, insignificant because you are after all, unique. :)

Not words. JUETian.

Last time I wrote here , I was counting on myself for a next article on CWG and later on Ayodhya issue too. I accept with regret ,and you know it too ,that i couldn't ,not because I didn't wanted to but only because I wasn't having a cup of mommy's coffee in my hand and all the time in the world to enjoy drinking it.

I am confessing a fact here you might not like , I don't have any good phrases or thoughts up in my mind to write in here, this time .I am just saying my heart ,another facade of Juet you might have missed to witness.

There's something I feel when I pass under the boulevard of morning trees ,under the quiet chirrup of birds , while sitting on the pavement along the broad line separating the only two phases of the life we have there . When I see the sky slowly going red with a shy smile ,like a teenager describing how beautiful the night was ,then going gray and finally defiant blue as if preparing for the strong sun which it has to stand before to save all his little loved ones living down on the ground so that they may admire the beauty of another night.

The feeling I am talking about is the only thing that made me visit this page again and , seriously if you haven't closed the tab yet, you are going to find it worth .Something that has nothing to do with being in a isolated, fenced land, middle of nowhere ,separated with nothing but dust for miles in all directions ,but metaphorically only because of the same reason.

When I know that I am so far from every thing that can make me feel materialistic , I know that this is the only place for me to be. The few seconds of eternal peace which I crave for , which I am missing sitting here with mommy's coffee in my hand are the only reason you are reading this. 'Cause reader ,believe this one ,if you haven't feel this you are missing a part of yourself which you will leave here after a couple of years and that part is going to be the only faction of you that is going to keep the 'you' alive in yourself .

Get back and find that small of you hidden somewhere amongst the desks of Lt ,the rooftops , beneath plastic tent of Prakash's , in a corner room in hostels , or in the green soccer field ,or a place anyone else haven't been yet.

P.S . All trademarks of Prakash's are the property of their respective owners.

A lone night spent alone.

The fox fancy the grapes on a high tree but finds them sour after getting tired of trying to reach them.

Back at the hostel, in between the tasteless food, unbearable classes, the campus walls which feels getting close on me till I get smothered , i usually sit alone on my balcony with my play list having lyrics like "I try so hard ","where am i?", "How can i be lost?"."What have i done?". I sit there sometimes for hours with breeze against my face, remembering home. All the home holidays feels like days of Adam. Just to console myself i usually set a reminder of the nearest day to home, at night i make my friends to plan about reserving berths. If successful, i find myself awkwardly happy to look at the tickets saying "destination Nizzammuddin". I keep it in my wallet so that i may look at it now and then.

Then finally after getting through tests ,teaching each other, refusing to teach then fighting over it, after waiting endless wait comes the day for packing. At this time, as happy I am , enjoy observing all those around me packing, an unhidden happiness on their faces,an excitation which they can't help. They suddenly start behaving kind to one another at places where some weeks ago they might have cussed and mocked the same person so badly that he would have remained stunned for a while. A week ago,two students who were ready to give each other drinks of venom with their own hands (along with a smile), give each other a farewell hug so good that a blood brother might feel out of place. The only unspoken reason for this transformation is so that they may give them a call and talk for a little while,for we all know how bad it feels if they do not.

Home surely feels like bliss but the sweetness of the fruit slowly fades away, not because of getting used to family members. No, they are always a pleasant ambiance, but because we suddenly miss that gross food, not because that we still are very unsuccessful in finding worst taste but for the chat we used to have in between. The TV no longer entertains because it no longer have the uninvited comments, because sports no longer have the cheering, because the tea no longer have the leaves of friendship, because the snacks taste different when somebody else pays for them, because they are so much more than memories.

The night full of stars used to be sad because it didn't have any one's appraisals,no one had the time to look up.

Now,it didn't matter,it was just a lone night spent alone.

here we go once again

The calender tells me it is already 6Th of July.A little more than a week to the day when our campus once again go through the every year routine and choruses of new faces.Every new face bringing something unique to add to the heaped talents of our campus.Albeit I've only been through my first year but it feels like an every year event to me.Every student in his latter years in campus always find his first year in some fresher.It amuses him in its own way to see how he was back then in his first year.First year always holds a special place in every student's heart.No its not all the repelling memories of ragging and senior bullying ( if they have some )but it is always the happy ones,getting in the room ,meeting the roommates,going to class, all for the first time.It doesn't seem so grand but has its place on personal level.It becomes one of the very few paradigm shift in their lives.Going college,stepping over the teen life,leaving just one i.e getting into professional crowd.But its all a very distant future thing for any first year.For now,he just wants get along and get along well with his gang.

It is said that a first year student performs his best in first year and the saying have a good reason behind it.Obviously when you enter second year,new teachers have nothing but your GPA to make a image or to stereotype you. Follow my advise and don't go messing around with your studies neither overdo it.To put it other way,don't make the teacher recognise you amongst 60 students.I did the same and not knowing it that I was doing it good.You're getting me wrong if you're thinking that I'm against 9 pointer.That will be best case scenario but also a "5 out of 50" one.Well,if you're not in those 5,then play along being a obedient student ,do your assignment(hardly takes an hour ,plus enriches your preparation) ,maintain 85+ percentage,that will be your wild card.Imagine the teacher giving you internal marks and you've around average marks in test,he don't know you well so he looks at your record,nothing dirty you have there,he looks at your attendence ,there you will get the upper hand, 85% of attendance will get B+ at least.

I red an article which said that the key is to talk the teacher into giving you grades,that's surely a shrewd but effective way to get your grades.But what if you don't have the charismatic skills? Then you'll find the above way handy. Okay, so gear up for another semester,don't take our college as lifeless,it is only how you take it.How much life you have in your living only depends on your attitude.See you there ;)