Will I ever come back?

Here I am packing my bags already, throwing my luggage angrily into a heap, trying hard to hold all of my frayed clothes and my life from falling apart. Failing miserably.

Irritated out of my wits, I try to find the cause of this anger inside me. I had often given a thought to how I would react when it is time for farewell. But I never thought that it would be anger.

But why, out of all reactions in the whole wide world I chose anger...I wish I knew.

So, instead of thinking about the days spent, I give some time to the days lying ahead and the first thought that craved for attention, screaming loudly and pounding my insides was the a tiny question so grave that I had to stop packing, sit and look out of the window. It asked me, "Will you ever come back?"

The question was not simple. It was not just about visiting JUET again, it was much more. I understood that I was being asked that will I be the same person that I was in this place? Whether I will ever get so much affection and kindness in the days that are yet to unfold? Then I thought about all the people that were the reason I was so attached to this out of world place and I knew my answer was 'No'.

I had to calm myself somehow. Like a parent who knows for sure that his kid has to spent the next winter night on the footpath with a blanket to share with his family, knowing that he might not even live to see the morning, consoles his kid, giving him false hope that it is going to be alright. But his harsh adulthood has taught him this much, world is as heartless as the cars rushing past by with their windows closed to keep warm air inside for a man that has never worked to deserve a fraction of it. But nonetheless, the man tells his kid that the world is full of good people and the tomorrow will be better. He lies because he loves his little cold kid in dirty torn clothes too much to tell him that the next night will be colder. And the night after that, and the night after that.

Just like this parent, I try to calm myself...failing miserably.

Coming back is not just a matter of willingness. Sometimes as much as we want, we can never take back a step. But one thing I know now is that if it wont be for the tasteless food of the mess, it will be for the people I ate it happily, that I will come back. If it wont be for the over sweetened tea that I actually looked forward to everyday, it will be for the talk we had between the sips, that i will come back. If it wont be for the boring artificial intelligence class, it will be for the moments of laughter in the class, that I will come back. If it wont be for being kicked out the physics class without attendance, it will be for the careless roaming after in the academic block, that I will come back.. If it wont be for the broken and incomplete gym of hostel, it will be for the hours and effort made together, that I will come back. If it wont be for the tiring journeys from NZM to RTA through GWL, it will be for the people that I will give anything to have that journey once again with them. If it wont be the matter of coming back physically, in my every dream and every thought in my soul, I will come back.

There are just so many things to remember, just so many moments worth remembering, crashing onto me at the same time that I am afraid I might loose some of them. As much as I try, I know that this petty little human mind will fail me and all the words and thoughts I can muster, they will never be good enough to deserve the memories they are written for. 

That, I realize was the reason for my anger.

On Jobs and Placements.

Tell me about yourself?

How about we hold this for now and go through your short flashback.

It seems to be a short while ago that we started our 4 years journey together in this place. Strangers that we were all, sooner or later found our companions and learned to live in a tough place like this. Counting on each other and dealing with the difficult phases together, is something that we all have added to our 'How to Live' journals. 

And almost at the end of this journey we faced a new foe. Called as placement, it came like a storm and changed everything for ever. This event stood before us as the most stressful one of our journey has to offer. We witnessed with regret, those around us becoming its prey. And by that, I mean to fall in mind trap that it creates. A situation where your companion, whom you have learned to trust and love, is your rival. Before it really strikes, it causes a time zone filled with silence,dread and suspense. Bewildering as it is, students give their mightiest efforts to stay at the top. To get through this becomes a must. For some it is a matter of self dignity, for some to make their elders proud, for some to prove themselves in the eyes of others, for some to earn experience and for the remaining few, just to see if they can make it.

Whatever may be our reasons, our motives, we all look forward to success. Who likes to get rejected, anyways? And success do comes to the fateful few, but at a cost. 

Whatever may be the outcome, all of us experienced this new, strange feeling. For the selected ones, it was achievement blended with sorrow for their friends. And for the rest, it was feeling proud for their friends and at the same time disappointment in themselves. It is not easy to be our normal self in this situation. One can not rejoice for himself because his friend did not made it and his friend can not weep openly for he wants to celebrate his friend's success. We all dealt with this, in our own unique ways. But the moment was strong enough to mark itself in the timeline.

On the positive side, we learned a lot about ourselves and others. When we were presented with a question like -'What are your weakness?'. For a brief moment we really thought and took a look at us from the outside to find the answer. But the answer that echoed in our minds and the one which was said out loud, was often kept different and maybe for the best. We also found out about our capability to lie with ease. It is easy for some to fake their whole identity without even flinching once and keeping a straight, smiling face throughout. Some, like me, found it gruesomely difficult. It also gave us the opportunity to explore ourselves by facing different questions. Whether we shared the answers to others was a matter to be decided by us alone and again, maybe for the best.

Of course, we get to live this only once. The moments are impossible to forget and some are even worth being carried to our graves. Campus recruitment at JUET might end but the filtering is never over. It comes again in different ways. But what didn't kill us before, only have made us stronger so when the next time we face it, we will be worthier.

We might get old and get busy with different events. But the book of life will never leave us depraved of moments of success, struggle and (I hope and pray that we do not) failure. We will never know whats in it next, until we turn the page and just like this blog, there will always be something to wait for.

Recollecting from the flashback, we look at the face of interviewer who is patiently waiting for his earlier question. He asks again, 'Tell me about yourself'.
We find ourselves smiling.

Easy Buddy, easy.

"One more week in college. Its almost over. You've made it so far. Its only a week!"

The state of mind at the end of a hot,even semester. State of a tired, troubled mind, wanting to go home and be away from the trifle of all. Bereft of taste of favorite dinner, fed up of daily chores and the classes. Aware of the need to attend that class and still fighting the urge to skip it. Logic yells,begs to see how pathetic, meaningless and lousy is to go to that classroom where you will eventually sleep. The dirty, unkempt room appeals more than that lecture theater.It has got every reason to be.

Minutes left, its almost time for the class! Decide now. Oh the dilemma! 

Curse yourself and steeling yourself against the hot wind outside, splash water on the face. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, that bloodshot , sleep-deprived eyes. Pick up the only notebook made for the semester, look for a working pen. Then realizing you're not going to make notes anyways. So leave the cozy room and take difficult steps towards the Academic-Block.

"Its only a week" was repeated loudly in your head.

Five minutes past starting of lecture.

Stare at those toppers. All in with full concentration, penning down every word that blasted teacher has to spit.Wonder whether its the same intensity with which you play the computer-game? The teacher ask his unexpected-sudden-question which only a listener can answer. Then he snigger and points to you. 'Darn it,Why ME?!'

Look down, its more secure there. Then a whisper, which sounds familiar. You heard it in this class. Its the answer! Without wasting a second more, reply out loud and startle the teacher. Sit smugly. Easy. Look at the clock. Only 15minutes past start . "Is that clock even working?"! Confirm with your wrist watch, or cellphone. "I knew it!" That clock is running 2minutes late. Miser administration. So, correction, 17minutes done, 38 left. That's better. 

Thirty minutes past starting of lecture.

Even some of the toppers has lost it by this time. Eye-lids are too heavy for you to lift now. Let them meet...for only a minute, surely few minutes won't do any harm. You are sitting in a good spot. He can't see you here, no chance.

Wake up with a jolt. Meet the teacher eyes. No attendance for you today. Superb.

Look at the clock. 45minutes past starting time.Should have stayed at room.

If not yours, atleast the writer's normal day is presented to you.

If you're with me from the start, the kind of posts I publish addresses every student of our college in general. This one can be different. This one is more of a explanation I was due. I believe that by reading this, one can get a brief glimpse of insides of my head, as it were back then and can therefore, try to understand the actions which were felt necessary and taken.

If not for the reasons of class and everything, we all have been here sometime. Be it personal ,professional or friend-circle issues. It goes to such extremes that it can hardly be survived. We all look for escapes in these times. In the intended case of end of semester, we look forward to home. And it puts us to the edge. Even the most little things can be annoying. "Another Twilight movie??!"

And these are the moments that you take decisions and say things that you'd normally hate to. Its easy to succumb to the domain of devil. Yeah, its always compelling, the frustration. We wish to scream, yell, blame,complain or anything that could help the steam ease out of our head. But the thing to realize is that its not the problem which has led us to this state, its the duration of it which we endured. Even the most easiest of the problems becomes impossible to solve if it is given too much though than necessary.

"Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? Insanity is...doing the exact same fu****' thing over and over and over again and expecting shi* to change."

—Vaas, Far Cry 3

But anyways, i learned recently that running away or escaping is not the solution. It can provide you the exit, but the problem will still exist inside you. Closing your eyes doesn't make the world disappear. It's there. So is the problem and so are all your friends, family and beloved. Don't run away from them. Express, share, feel , talk and...smile :) .Open your eyes to the beauty of what you have earned in these years. Make the best of out it and make a promise to yourself. That you wont give up.

Like every time I'll leave a hidden message for you, only this time I've mentioned it. For such state, one does need lots of time to himself and anyone that denies us this much should be punished. Its very likely that we will emerge from this phase all by ourselves and move on. Have we not survived the great floods? Have we not lived through the great depression? The Recession? All sorts of wars, riots, diseases? How puny now our behavior situation feels now. Isn't?

Apologies for making such a long article for such a simple thought. Sometimes its the most easiest of things that needs the longest of explanation.There so much more to say. But its not that world is ending        

this year. Right?

Once upon a day...

That was the best day of your life.
A beautiful day.
The day which you will remember for long.
It was a moment which passed ever so swiftly and made the everlasting impression to make a difference.
Difference in you, your thinking, your everything.
That thought which dawned upon you like a canopy turning dark to gray to crimson to golden...to the bright color of enlightenment.
That thought which you knew was present, alive in a far, distant corner of your brain...patiently waiting for you to notice it, waiting for the time you will grasp its true essence, waiting for this moment.
That thought which was incomprehensible first, then became believable and then realistic then an aspiration  then your passion then your belief then your reality and then your reason to exist.
It came like a conqueror charging with his army, leading ten thousand of his men to assault an empire with nothing but two things in his mind : victory and the will to make it happen.
It came and it overcame and it became the ruler of his new won kingdom.
Sat atop the throne of your brain, this new thought changed your system from within.
 The cataclysmic wave that it brought shook you to the core and that was when you knew that nothing ever will be the same again.
It was the realization of having a purpose, a task to perform , a thing to achieve, an era to witness , to cross a milestone and to put a new one where no one have ever been before.
With that, came a discomforting doubt...are you up to it? do you have what it takes?
But the importance of it was too much to shrug it away. Then and there you made a decision, a solemn promise to yourself that you will wait for the time and until then, you will prepare.
Prepare for the task you were born to perform. And then you will succeed.
The way looked hard and rough, but you knew it is the only one that can take you across.
The people you care for, you will do this for them, you decided. You, amongst thousand. In some hostel room in the out-of-town campus of Juet, listening to your friend telling about his day, hearing nothing.
Or maybe sitting in some lecture theater looking at the screen and seeing something that is far, far away.
 The last piece of the puzzle joined others to make a picture that was way different than the one you  assumed looking at the pieces...and it was beautiful to look at.
It was the best day of your life.A beautiful day.A day which you will remember for long.