Irritated out of my wits, I try to find the cause of this anger inside me. I had often given a thought to how I would react when it is time for farewell. But I never thought that it would be anger.
But why, out of all reactions in the whole wide world I chose anger...I wish I knew.
So, instead of thinking about the days spent, I give some time to the days lying ahead and the first thought that craved for attention, screaming loudly and pounding my insides was the a tiny question so grave that I had to stop packing, sit and look out of the window. It asked me, "Will you ever come back?"
The question was not simple. It was not just about visiting JUET again, it was much more. I understood that I was being asked that will I be the same person that I was in this place? Whether I will ever get so much affection and kindness in the days that are yet to unfold? Then I thought about all the people that were the reason I was so attached to this out of world place and I knew my answer was 'No'.
I had to calm myself somehow. Like a parent who knows for sure that his kid has to spent the next winter night on the footpath with a blanket to share with his family, knowing that he might not even live to see the morning, consoles his kid, giving him false hope that it is going to be alright. But his harsh adulthood has taught him this much, world is as heartless as the cars rushing past by with their windows closed to keep warm air inside for a man that has never worked to deserve a fraction of it. But nonetheless, the man tells his kid that the world is full of good people and the tomorrow will be better. He lies because he loves his little cold kid in dirty torn clothes too much to tell him that the next night will be colder. And the night after that, and the night after that.
Just like this parent, I try to calm myself...failing miserably.
Coming back is not just a matter of willingness. Sometimes as much as we want, we can never take back a step. But one thing I know now is that if it wont be for the tasteless food of the mess, it will be for the people I ate it happily, that I will come back. If it wont be for the over sweetened tea that I actually looked forward to everyday, it will be for the talk we had between the sips, that i will come back. If it wont be for the boring artificial intelligence class, it will be for the moments of laughter in the class, that I will come back. If it wont be for being kicked out the physics class without attendance, it will be for the careless roaming after in the academic block, that I will come back.. If it wont be for the broken and incomplete gym of hostel, it will be for the hours and effort made together, that I will come back. If it wont be for the tiring journeys from NZM to RTA through GWL, it will be for the people that I will give anything to have that journey once again with them. If it wont be the matter of coming back physically, in my every dream and every thought in my soul, I will come back.
There are just so many things to remember, just so many moments worth remembering, crashing onto me at the same time that I am afraid I might loose some of them. As much as I try, I know that this petty little human mind will fail me and all the words and thoughts I can muster, they will never be good enough to deserve the memories they are written for.
That, I realize was the reason for my anger.
